Harry Potter and the Freak Parade
by The-Caitiff
Summary: Starts as parody of the formula most independant!Harry stories follow. Overly friendly Goblins, Manipulative Dumbledore, a shopping trip, a will from Sirius etc... Then it gets weird.
1. Chapter 1

After his disastrous fifth year at the Death Eater Boot Camp, err… we mean Hogwarts School of Bewitchery and Manipulations, err… You know where we mean.

Anyway, fifth year sucked. Visions and nightmares gave Harry a horrid temper and he took it out on everyone around him. Since then, he had inadvertently caused his Godfather's death, and discovered a prophecy which meant he might actually need all those friends he had been alienating. A logical breakdown of the situation and how it came about led him to a few conclusions.

1. Dumbledore is an incompetent fool to have let Voldemort gain power in the first place. Did he take a thirty year nap after killing Grindewald or something? It should have been obvious he was evil, the killing people thing is generally a good clue. As are gathering minions and changing your name to something sinister.

2. He had a "power the Dark Lord knew not". Given that Voldemort had studied at Hogwarts and had a stable set of teachers with no one trying to kill him, Harry would never win unless he thought outside the box.

3. Dumbledore is a manipulative bastard. Enough said.

4. Harry needed to train this new power. After he found it.

5. He needed to buy supplies. Training is hard to do if ill prepared.

6. He needed someone to help him. It would be easier if he had someone he could trust to tell him when he was screwing up.

7. He could not trust his overly trusting friends to keep secrets from the incompetent meddling old coot.

Now that he had that sorted out in his mind it was time for action! Oh, and it was also time for pancakes. Pancakes clearly had priority over self preservation, maple syrup is good like that.

* * *

Harry snuck up behind Mad Eye Moody with vengeance in his eyes. The paranoid old bastard wasn't nearly paranoid enough if he forgot that wearing an invisibility cloak and then laying down for a nap on un-mown grass was a bad idea. Harry was within a few feet, wearing his own cloak, when Moody spoke.

"Potter, what do you think…"

Harry brained him with a broken chair leg. Time to make his escape to meet his new advisor at Gringotts. What's a good shopping trip without visiting the Goblins first? A lot more pleasant that's what.

He raised his wand and called the Knight Bus. It popped out with a bang and off-loaded several figures with black cloaks and white masks. Evidently the invisibility cloak was a good idea.

"Alright everyone, remember, Dumbledore told us that he is moping in grief right now. Insult Sirius Black and make him angry enough to attack without thinking. Even if we all die, the ministry will have his arse over this. Leave the muggles alone. They hate him and he doesn't care if they die."

The figures approached the door, they rang the bell. "Excuse me Mr. Dursley, we are here to kill that worthless freak of yours, may we come in?"

At that point the Knight Bus pulled away and Harry lost his chance to see what would happen next. Add another point on the Lord Dumbles shit list…

* * *

Harry walked into Gringotts and approached one of the Goblins. "I need to visit my vault."

"Of course Harry. Right this way."

"That's awfully familiar of you. Has Gringotts instituted mandatory courtesy training now?"

"Heavens no! Surely you remember me… I am Griphook, I took you on your first cart ride… Is any of this ringing a bell?"

"I am sorry, no. So this isn't the way everyone else is being treated these days? I hate being treated differently on account of who I am. Treat me like everyone else please."

"Okay then. Hurry up and get in the cart you smelly human! Stop talking to me and wasting my time, time is money and you are disrupting bank business!"

"Much better, thank you."

"Oh, by the way, before I slip too far into the angry goblin act, Sirius Black left you quite a chunk of change in his will, it and the deeds to his property have been transferred to your vault."

"Thank you Griphook."

* * *

After grabbing a big bag of gold, Harry exited the bank looking for his new advisor. He found her looking intently at something behind a rubbish bin.

"Hello Luna, thanks for agreeing to help me."

"Hello Harry. Why did you ask me anyway? I would think you could ask Ronald or Hermione. They have helped you on all your other adventures."

"Well, I need to start thinking and acting in a way the Dark Lord will never expect. You are the best person to help me do that."

"Ah, so you've finally decided to give up your sanity and join me on the purple side?"

"Umm what?"

"There are three types of magic, Light, Dark, and Purple. I am the Purple Lady Moonshine, plotting daily to confuse the weak and baffle the wise! Mwahahahaha!"

"If you say so. Yes I will join you on the purple side."

"Excellent, now I just need to mark you as one of my followers and you shall reign from my right hand!"

"Wait, you're marking followers?"

"Voldemort gives everyone tattoos, Dumbledore gives them a shiny necklace, I place a pair of pink lip prints on my followers lips."

"Ok, I guess that doesn't sound too bad. You don't torture your followers do you?"

"Nope, I may hit them with an occasional tickling charm when they start acting too normally, but no torture."

"Excellent. I guess I will be joining you then."

She grabbed the front of his robes and yanked his head lower. She snogged him deep and hard for a few seconds before releasing him.

"Mmmm… Spicy!"

"Wow, that was… My Lady, I am not sure the Mark stuck, maybe you ought to try again."

"Nice try minion, now lets go shopping."

"Ok, first we ought to head towards the luggage store, maybe get one of those cool trunks like Moody had."

They cackled insanely as they made their way down Diagon Alley.

* * *

"Welcome to Travelling Trunks, how may we… Oh, I see. Hold on just a minute I'll go get it."

"Get what? What do you mean?"

"Well you are clearly a moody and depressed youth looking to get out from under the thumb of a meddling old coot. I just thought I'd go get the starter kit."

"What's in the moody youth starter kit?"

"A seven compartment Auror standard trunk, a small library of hexes and jinxes not taught at Hogwarts including an introduction to the Dark Arts, self refilling food cabinets, and the rooms in the seventh compartment are warded against the ministry underage magic detection."

"Wow, that really is a great kit. Do you sell many?"

"No, not really. The last one we sold was to one… T. M. Riddle. He seemed really hacked off about something as well. I wonder if he ever succeeded in getting out from under that manipulative bastard of a transfiguration teacher he had."

"Not really, I know him. That blasted old man is still trying to hunt him down and deal with him, "for the greater good." Hmm, well we will take two. Is there anyway to travel between them?"

"Of course, all our moody youth trunks have a built in floo system, just say the name of the other person, and away you go."

"Perfect."

"Well I assume you've already stolen a big bag of gold from your family vaults to pay for this?"

"Yes of course, isn't that the first stop on every moody youth shopping trip?"

"Well that will be 867 galleons for the two, you can shrink them by pressing the brass circle and saying 'shrink'."

They paid and left the store.

"Well that was exceedingly convenient, so what's next on my spiral down to the purple side?"

"You are going to need at least one new pet. Only normal wizards have one familiar. Purple wizards are either alone, or else have a lot of familiars. It can be lonely to be the only sane voice in an insane world."

"Somehow that makes sense coming from you. Lead the way Luna."

* * *

"Hello, welcome to Magical Menagerie, what can we do for you?"

"Hello, I am looking for an unusual pet, or maybe pets. I thought I'd look around and see what you've got other than the standard owls, toads, and cats."

"Excellent idea. So few people realize that just because the rules say first years can only bring those animals doesn't mean that upper years can't bring whatever they please."

"I never heard of that."

"Oh, its just a little loophole most people don't see."

Luna spoke up, "Do you have any flying monkeys?"

"No Miss Lovegood and I still don't know why you come in here every week asking for them. There are no flying monkeys."

"Damn."

"But we did just get a pair of penguins. Maybe that would be good for your personality."

"Can they talk?"

"Yes, but so far they can only say 'slide' in a questioning tone."

Harry looked around the shop for a few minutes, looking at all the unusual creatures. There were a variety of snakes he could talk to, but that would be too obvious. There was a phoenix egg in stasis, but the price was astronomical and it put up too much of a "good guy" image. Supposedly he was on the insane side now and he needed to find something that reflected that. He eventually found something that looked interesting.

"Excuse me Ma'am, but what makes these magical Mongooses magical? What are their abilities?"

"Well, aside from being able to speak parseltongue, which they use to taunt snakes before killing them, they can also teleport to their masters side whenever he calls their names."

"Brilliant, I will take them both!"

Luna and Harry paid for their new friends and stopped for an ice cream.

"So what are you going to name the mongooses Harry?"

"Killroy and Bertha. What about the penguins?"

"But they are both male, why Bertha? This is Angel, and to my left is Devil. I'm assigning them the job of being my conscience."

"I know they are both male, it just ensures that Bertha is permanently in a bad mood and ready for a fight. And who would mess with someone named Killroy?"

"You're learning fast my apprentice."

"I have always prided myself on learning some things faster than others."

"Hmm… It looks like your mark has rubbed off, get over here and let me mark you again."

"Rubbed off? Your marks can be rubbed off?"

"Well of course, it was only lipstick. Now get over here."

He happily complied.

"Mmmm… so what is next my Lady?"

"Well, according to the checklist from the moody youth starter kit we need to pick up more dark arts books and visit a junk shop to find rare magical treasures at bargain prices."

"Too bad the best places to do both are in Knockturn Alley."

"So what?"

"Luna, its Knockturn Alley, you don't just go waltzing down the road in broad daylight."

"Correction, Light wizards don't go walking around without escort. Dark wizards slink through the shadows or visit at night. We are Purple wizards and that just means we need a costume change before we waltz down Knockturn Alley."

"A costume change?"

"Of course. Here," She conjured two purple scarves, "Wrap this around your face, but let your eyes show. Now, what colors should we make our cloaks?"

"Luna, we aren't allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts! We could get in a lot of trouble over this, and I don't particularly want to get caught!"

"Geez, it's just a five galleon fine. It's not like we are going to get hauled before the Wizengamot or anything."

"WHAT?"

"You only get into trouble if your wizarding guardian thinks it is questionable and asks the DMLE to investigate."

"I am going to kill Dumbles."

"That's the spirit, world peace via genocide! Oh, I just thought of the perfect patterns for our robes."

"Ok, so what's the plan?"

"Please tell me you have gotten better at dancing since the Yule Ball."

"Of course, but why?"

* * *

Not long later, they were standing at the entrance to Knockturn Alley. Harry was dressed in a lurid red and green tie-dye cloak. Luna's was yellow and blue tie-dye. They were accompanied by the penguins and mongooses. All together they were drawing quite a few stares. Luna waved her wand and music filled the air. 

"Shall we?" Luna offered her hand.

"We shall." Harry took her hand and held her close.

And they began literally waltzing down Knockturn Alley in the direction of a bookstore. Needless to say people were more than a little freaked out and gave them a wide berth. Whatever was wrong with those two, they didn't want to catch it.

When they left the bookstore quite a bit lighter in galleons and heavier in books, the street instantly cleared as people scurried back into stores and dark alleyways.

"See, this is the amount of respect a Purple Lady deserves. Not even Voldemort gets this treatment when he comes here."

"Does he come often?"

"Every Tuesday at eleven o'clock."

"How odd. So, off to the junk shop."

They decided to change things up a bit and tango-ed over to the junk shop. Luna held her wand in her teeth as if it were a rose. Harry was beginning to wish he had known how much fun dancing could be before now. Then again, it may also be that so many people were abjectly afraid of them. Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac, especially when undeserved.

The shop keeper gave a slight whimper as they entered.

"So what can I do for two wonderful and hopefully non-violent Hufflepuffs like yourselves?"

"Who told you we were Hufflepuffs?" Harry didn't bother to deny it, he was starting to enjoy playing with people's minds.

"Oh come on! Your cloaks are a blend of all the house colors. The only people who actually care about inter-house unity are Hufflepuffs."

"Fair enough. We are here looking for rare magical artifacts at bargain prices."

"Well, I've got a pensieve over on the back left wall, invisibility cloaks over on the rack, and other such things throughout the shop. Feel free to look around."

"Luna, do you have an invisibility cloak?"

"No."

"Want one? My treat, it will make it ever so much easier to spread joy."

"You are a loyal follower! I think the obedience training may not take so long after all."

"Maybe. Hey, my mark wore off again."

"No, you wiped it off on your sleeve. Alright, come here."

"Thanks."

They gathered a few interesting new toys and joined the man at the front counter.

"Nice choices, I can see you are going to cause a lot of trouble. Just remember where you bought them and try not to hurt me too badly."

"I'll try," Harry said, "You wouldn't happen to have someway to slow down time would you? We've got an exhaustive training regimen to follow before we start our reign of terror. It would go a long way towards ensuring you are the only junk shop left standing at the end."

"I don't have anything to slow it down, but I do have something else. Some little red headed brat came in here two weeks ago and offered to sell me a time turner. He was dressed shabbily and was obviously poor. I offered him fifty galleons and the fool took it. It turns out that this was an experimental time turner from the department of mysteries. Instead of taking me back an hour or a day, the thing took me back an entire year! So I flipped it around a couple more times and made an absolute killing betting on sporting events."

"If it is so useful, why offer to sell it to us?" Harry asked, all the while cursing Ron in his head for being so stupid. Harry would have given him a thousand for it! Even without knowing it was better than average.

"Well, I've already aged thirty years more than I should have, and have made my original investment several thousand times over. Plus, I would really like to survive whatever you two are about to do without being tortured into insanity first."

"How far back can it go?"

"Well, a time turner can't go back farther than when it was made. It seems to have been made roughly twenty years ago. I repeated a couple years you see... I bet on every major sporting event, I can't believe they never caught me."

"How much do you want for it?"

"I think at this point I could stand to take fifty galleons for it, and a promise not to kill me."

"Done! Neither we nor our followers shall ever harm your family or your business. We'll even try to help stop others from wrecking up the place if we can."

"Thank you! Well, you two have a good day."

"Thanks, you too."

Again, as they exited the shop, the Alley cleared. Another wave of Luna's wand produced music and they danced the Lambada (even if it is Forbidden!) up and down the street a few times before leaving. It wouldn't pay for them to forget who the crazy people were now would it…

* * *

"Thank you Luna, this day has been the most fun I have ever had."

"I kind of liked it too."

"So, shall we take advantage of our time turner and go off alone to plot world domination or just go home?"

"Well, I need to go home first and tell Daddy that I will be older tomorrow. Then we can take some time and run away together. No matter how long we run away we can always show up exactly when we left after all."

"Luna, you're a genius."

"I know."

"Well how about you mark me one last time and we'll meet up again tomorrow at the Quibbler office?"

"You are a most troublesome follower, be glad I like snogging you so much."

They walked over to the fireplace in the leaky cauldron and Luna headed home. Harry thought about taking the night bus again, but figured that one of two things had happened. Either the death eaters were still there waiting for him, or Dumbles was. He decided to do something a little unexpected (Luna was a wonderful teacher) and Flooed over to Mrs. Figg's home on Wisteria Walk.

* * *

He emerged into chaos and panic. Order members were running to and fro, arguing with each other and weeping. 

"Umm hello?"

"Harry!" Half the room screamed at once. Some were joyous, others panicked, and just a few angry.

"Hi, so what's all the fuss about?"

"The death eaters and a new group attacked your family's home today." Dumbledore carefully explained.

"You mean my aunt and uncle's house. They have never been family and it isn't my home."

"That's irrelevant. They first used someone polyjuiced to look like you to knock out Moody before the attack began. Knight Bus records indicate that a group of death eaters showed up at half twelve. By one o'clock the house was destroyed and the death eaters dead or insane. A pair of glittering pink lips floated over the ruins with a message."

"Pink lips you say? That's just crazy!" Harry inwardly began laughing his arse off, it sounded like he might get to have some fun in the future. "What was the message?"

"'We have kidnapped Harry Potter!' and it was signed by the initials F.P. Tell us how you escaped Harry! We must know who this new threat is."

"I don't remember being kidnapped. I spent the day dancing with Luna." Inwardly, Harry smirked again. Dumbledore's legimancy would only detect that he was telling the truth unless he tried to actively break into his mind, which he wouldn't do with so many witnesses.

"He's telling the truth." Dumbledore told the Order, "They must have used a memory charm on him before letting him go. Who knows what sort of brain washing they could have done to him."

"No sir, I'm quite certain I haven't been brainwashed."

"That's what they would tell you to say. Harry, we're going to have to leave you here with Mrs. Figg tonight. We'll try to move you to Headquarters tomorrow night once we can get some security in place for the move. The floo can be watched."

"Ok sir. I'll stay here until then."

"Thank you Harry. I promise we will find out what they did to you and fix it."

"Thank you sir."

He moved to the guest bedroom where his things had been stored. He opened his new trunk and placed the old one inside the last compartment.

* * *

By dawn the next day, Harry had vanished yet again. He stopped by Gringotts and emptied it of everything but a single knut, just to keep it open for when he returned. The next time anyone saw him, he was unrecognizable as the boy he had once been. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer; I'm sorry to continue this; the penguins are slowly driving me mad.

* * *

Harry and Luna met in the Quibbler's office at half ten to plot.

"So Luna, how far back should we go?"

"Well, that all depends on how old you want to be when we return. Logically we are going to use this time to train you to fight Voldemort and me to take over the world, so we can take as much time as we like. If we go take advantage of time travel to the fullest, we can theoretically use the thirteen years of peace from your first defeat of Voldemort to the fullest."

"That's brilliant. In fact, an evil plot is forming in my mind right now. Oh. This will be fun… So much potential for abuse."

"Just remember, we can't change time. It is physically impossible."

"Spoilsport. But what if we make it look as if the timelines are intact and all the while change things behind the scenes."

"I don't think that is possible, but you can always try."

"Great, now I want you to do me a favor."

"What Harry?"

"Create a spell like the Dark Mark but with pink lips for our group. Whatever you do, never ever teach it to me. No matter how much I beg, you must not teach me that spell."

"Why is that?"

"Well yesterday when I left to come here, death eaters attacked my relatives house. They were soundly defeated and that mark was found floating over what was left of the house. If you never teach it to me, that means you have to survive until present day and can't die in the past. As you already said, it is impossible to change the past."

"That's crazy, I like it."

"So, now that we don't have to worry about dying, how far back are we going?"

"No, we've only insured I can't die, not you."

"Trust me, I've got something else keeping me alive."

"Okay, so how about we head back all twenty years. Is that okay with you?"

"If we did that, I'd be older than my parents, I think that may be a bad idea. Just as old is fine with me though. It might be fun to meet them as equals."

"Ok, Nineteen Seventy-Six, here we come!" Luna looped the chain over both of their wrists and began spinning the hourglass.

* * *

They arrived in an empty building (The Quibbler wasn't founded until the early eighties.) and began to strategize. They made a trip to Gringotts and opened a joint account so they had money to live on, and went to look for a flat.

"Ok, explain to me again exactly how I am not allowed to even see my parents?"

"Honestly, haven't you ever seen Back to the Future? If you go see your parents before you are born, you might never be born. Since time can't be changed, you would only ever be disappointed as you just miss them. Wait a few years and then see them after you are born. I'm sure they would love a visit from their son."

"I wasn't allowed to watch the Telly growing up. You forgot who I grew up with."

"Oh, I suppose I did. You still cannot go see them yet. Patience is a virtue. In the mean time I suggest you study and get ready to take your NEWTs. Once we have them out of the way, we will be free to tinker with things man was not meant to know. By the way, I bought a book of muggle sports records before we left. That shopkeeper had a good idea."

* * *

"Alright, I've passed all my NEWTs, even the ones I never took OWLs for, have achieved a Mastery in Defense, and I was finally born yesterday. May I go see my parents now?"

"Sure, but you have to bring me with you. I've been waiting to see what kind of freaks spawned my Fiancée."

"Fiancée?"

"Oh, I guess I should ask you first, or else I can order you since you are my minion."

"Of course I'll marry you Luna. I just wish I could ask your father for his blessing."

"You can do that next year, after our honeymoon. It will still be before the wedding thanks to time travel."

"You've been planning this… Were you ever intending to ask, or would I just get portkeyed to an altar one day?"

"I don't know, surprises are always nice."

"Not surprise weddings."

"Oh alright."

"So now that we've got that settled, let's head over to Godric's Hollow."

They joined hands and disapperated, appearing just down the road from the Potter home.

* * *

They politely rang the bell and waited for an answer. Lily answered the door.

"James, watch Harry for a minute while I get the door." The door opened. "James! But you were… Who's she!"

"No, I'm not James, may we come in? We would like to have a long talk with you and your husband."

"Sure, please do. My husband and son are in the study, hold on a minute and I will get them." She left and returned with the men in tow.

"Whoa! I've got an evil twin!" James exclaimed. Harry and James locked eyes and stopped moving. They were brought back to reality by Luna's squeal of delight.

"Harry, you are such a cute baby! May I hold him Mrs. Potter?"

"I think introductions may be due first, but alright. Let's all sit down and get comfortable. Maybe we can start with how you know Harry's name?"

"Of course I know Harry's name, I've known it all my life. Harry James Potter, the Great Hero…"

"Luna dear, you are freaking the Potter's out."

"But they're going to be freaked out anyway Harry, you may as well say what you came to say, the worst they can do to either of us is ask us to leave."

"Ok, you all may wish to be seated because I have several very shocking things to tell you. In fact, let me pour you both a drink first."

"Thank you, but Lily doesn't drink." James replied.

"She will in a moment." Luna said dreamily, tickling the squirming baby Harry.

"Ok, well I will start with introductions. This lovely lady is my fiancée, Luna Lovegood."

"Nice to meet you Miss Lovegood, are you related to Solaris Lovegood? I don't recall him having a younger sister."

"She is his daughter, which brings me to why you need a drink. My name is Harry James Potter, I am your son."

Both Potter Parents fainted. Harry sent them a quick enervate and they both slammed the fire whiskey they had been poured. Harry refilled the glasses.

"I'm sorry, you are going to have to repeat that. I thought I heard you claim to be my son."

"I am your son, but I've done a bit of time travel to come here and give you a warning. The Order of the Phoenix has a spy in its ranks."

"We already know about Snivellus." James said.

"No, there is another. Unfortunately, I am not able to tell you who it is because in my timeline the spy was not found for another year and a bit. Be careful, you are both targets of Voldemort."

"We know, Dumbledore told us the prophecy yesterday after our son… you were born."

"Good, well then at least you know why. If you weren't already considering it, look into something called the Fidelius charm. It may help you, then again it may not. Unfortunately being from the future I can't tell you, but it is an option."

"Thank you for trying to take care of us son. So anything else we should be aware of?"

"I love both." He gave his parents hugs. "I promise, I will try to do all I can for you to help you survive this war."

"Okay, that was sudden."

"I've been stuck here in the past for four years now without being able to say that. I couldn't visit or even see you for fear of disrupting the timeline and preventing my own birth. So, now that I'm here can I ask you a favor?"

"Of course you can dear," Lily said, wiping tears from her eyes as she looked between both of her sons. "Let me guess, you need money?"

"No, of course not. I came back in time well prepared. We've been betting heavily on every major sporting event in the past four years, we're loaded. No I wanted to ask Dad to teach me to become an animagus."

"Sure thing, how about we meet on Sundays for lessons and let the girls gossip. We Potter men need to stick together."

"Thanks Dad, the Marauders just kept telling me they'd teach me "when you're older." It's really hypocritical of you guys considering you were much younger and still in school when you learned."

"No problem, but if we had agreed to teach you before now, you wouldn't be asking me to teach you now."

"You've got a point. By the way, great job asking Sirius to be my Godfather. He was a good influence on me in some ways."

"What! Sirius was a good influence on you? How could that have happened?" Lily was shocked.

"He mellowed out a bit over the years. I guess Moony taught me more, but Sirius was a good choice."

"So what did Moony teach you?" James cut back in.

"Oh he taught Luna and I Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. He was definitely the best teacher we ever had in that job."

"Oh, so the job is still cursed then?"

"Yeah, they've never managed to keep a teacher more than a year. I'm thinking of applying one of these days. It might be a fun job while I am waiting to take my spot back in my proper time."

"So what else can you tell us about the future?"

"Well I did kill the Dark Lord that one time… but I can't tell you that story yet."

"I've been wondering what Luna meant about you being a great hero."

"Oh yeah, by the way, you can't tell anyone else we've come back in time. I'd really hate for Voldemort to kill me just because I'm going to kill him one day. Not even the other Marauders. Consider it one big prank we can reveal after everything goes according to how I remember it."

"How could he kill you, I thought time travel would stop that? Paradoxes and stuff."

Lily slapped the back of his head. "No James, he can be killed now, but baby Harry can't. There is nothing protecting him here, he is in even more danger than the rest of us being here and now. Why did you come back Harry, if it would put you in so much danger?"

"Because someone already did warn the Potter family about the spy. It had to be done."

"So you and your girlfriend traveled back in time when you were fifteen years old to warn us four years later?"

"Well Luna might not have been my girlfriend at the time, but yes. What was our relationship then Luna, I kind of lost track. Things were fuzzy back then."

"You were my minion, and I was your Master. I had to keep remarking you every few hours but we didn't really become a couple for a few more weeks."

"Minion and Master? What kind of world is this future?" Lily was both troubled and confused.

"The kind of place where two people dressed in tie-dyed robes can tango down Knockturn Alley." Luna replied with a grin.

"Ah, so a crazy future. Ok then. Harry, I'm sorry to say this but running away to travel through time with your Master is unacceptable behavior. We are going to have to punish you."

"But I haven't done it yet!"

"Hmm, I guess you are right. Well then, when you do go off an do this, I'm going to give you the spanking I should be giving you now. You'll never be too old for us to take you over our knees."

"Yes Mum. I'm sorry and it won't happen again."

"It had better not."

"Mrs. Potter, I could spank him for you if you'd like!" Luna sounded a little too happy for anyone's comfort.

"Call me Lily or Mum dear. Apparently we are either about to be family, or else we will be family at some point in the future. This is confusing. And keep your spankings private."

* * *

Harry came back every week to continue his animagus training with his father. He was quite relieved when the revealing potion said he was a magical mongoose.

"Oh thank Merlin!"

"Why are you so happy?"

"I've known I was a Parselmouth since I was twelve, given how society viewed parselmouths as evil wizards bound to turn dark, I'm just glad it was my animagus form manifesting early."

"You can talk to snakes?"

"Yeah, it's fun when they are only little snakes and its no danger, but a lot less fun when they are sixty foot long basilisks intent on killing you."

"Wait, you've encountered a sixty foot basilisk?"

"Yeah, back in my second year I fought and killed one. This scar here on my arm is where it bit me. One of the fangs went all the way through."

"Isn't a basilisk's bite… Oh, I don't know, FATAL?"

"Yeah, but I'm remarkably hard to kill. Back to the lesson. And remember, never tell me I am a parselmouth until after I tell you first."

"No, I think I want to hear more about this near death experience of yours."

"Which one?"

"What do you mean "which one?" Are you trying to tell me there was more than one time you almost died?"

"Well lets see, I've fought Voldemort to a standstill four times, killed him once, survived several cruciartus curses, four imperious curses, a few killing curses (and ducked too many more to count), been bitten by a thousand year old basilisk, been attacked by a nest of acromantulas, been attacked by death eaters several times, several dementor attacks including one by over a hundred at once, and chased by an escaped mass murderer. And that was mostly after I started Hogwarts. And then there were all the times I woke up in the hospital wing after quidditch."

"Mostly?"

"Sorry, can't tell you."

"You know what? I think you are right; you are incredibly hard to kill. How about we go back to the lesson and we agree that your mother never finds out about this?"

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

The night of 30 October, 1981, Harry donned his invisibility cloak and entered Godric's Hollow. He crept up on his sleeping parents, stunned, and bound them both.

"Sorry mum, but I promised to do everything I could to protect you."

He gathered some clothing, their wands, jewelry, photos, and personal objects in a few trunks which he shrank and put in his pockets. Then he crept down stairs where he transfigured a piece of steak into a James Potter look-alike and set an animation spell on it. When Voldemort and Wormtail came through the door, it would yell the line that echoed in his mind when he heard dementors. A Lily look-alike occupied the nursery.

He hated to do this. He knew he was condemning his younger self to hell, and he knew the pain and isolation he would feel growing up. But at least his parents would live without being afraid. They would live, and one day they could be reunited with Moony and the rest of the gang who lived through it all. One day, they might forgive him.

The next day he walked into Gringotts and emptied the Potter family vault of everything but a few galleons. He added the contents of the Potter vault to his own and added his parents (under pseudonyms) to his own. He left his trust vault alone; he would need it one day.

* * *

Luna kept his parents sedated throughout the day so they wouldn't escape and get themselves killed for real.

Harry donned his invisibility cloak and hid in the shadows of the nursery. He heard Wormtail and Voldemort arrive, heard the voices from his nightmares. He watched as Voldemort entered the nursery. He stared into the eyes of the most feared Dark Lord in history at the peak of his powers and watched the curse rebound. Oh Dumbledore would later swear that it was his mother's love that saved him, but at that instant he knew. He had been saved by time itself, because he had already been saved. Love was a great thing, but it can't bring back the dead.

Harry left when Hagrid arrived to collect him, tears streaming down his face as he remembered what would come. Dumbledore had a lot to answer for. Those wards around his aunt's house would be worthless. They already were except that everyone thought that because Dumbledore put them up they must be perfect. But the death eaters had arrived while he went to Diagon alley, and the vaunted wards didn't stop a thing.

* * *

"Good, you're awake. Now we can start the explanation that mum has been after for the past ten minutes." Harry looked tired as James woke up.

"Why am I tied to a chair? Who are you really? What's going on?"

"You are tied down so you can't do anything until I finish explaining everything. I really am Harry Potter. As for the last question, the short answer is that you are dead."

"What?" Both of his parents asked.

"As I said, that is the short answer. The slightly longer answer is that I have kidnapped you to prevent your deaths. Peter betrayed you and led Voldemort right to your door last night. Fortunately, I had already kidnapped you and replaced you with animated steaks. Voldemort was there looking to kill your me, the younger me that is. When he came, he killed both of you right away with a killing curse. He fired one at me, but it rebounded and killed him. Killed him for now anyway."

"Where is my baby?" Lily screeched.

"Ah… I'm sorry to tell you this, but he is fine. Unfortunately he is about to live fourteen years alone and friendless in an abusive home. In time he will realize that everyone is manipulating him for their own gain and travel back in time where he will wait to meet his parents and eventually save their lives because just having them again is worth any hell."

"But Sirius would never abuse you!"

"I'm sorry to say that Sirius Black was arrested this morning for betraying the Potter family to Lord Voldemort and the murder of some muggles and Peter Pettigrew. Peter framed him and is living as a rat. Sirius was sent to Azkaban without trial."

"Then your Godmother, Alice Longbottom…"

"Was tortured into insanity last night by the Lestranges while protecting Neville."

"And Remus…"

"Is a werewolf."

"But Dumbledore…"

"Wants to raise me as his lapdog. He manipulates everything so that when he eventually rescues me from the hell he placed me in I would feel grateful to him. He let me grow up hated and abused so that I would be pliable when he needs the great hero, destroyer of Voldemort, the Boy Who Lived."

"How could everything go so wrong?"

"I don't know Mum, I don't know. But right now, there are two options opened for the both of you. You can either go fight what is left of the Death Eaters getting yourself killed for real, or you can come with me and live. We can be the family I've always wanted and never had. You are alive, I am alive, and we've got each other and Luna. Let's start a new family and know that you will be reunited with everyone again someday. I'd like some siblings, and heaven knows I am going to make you grandparents eventually. The war tore our family apart but I broke the laws of time to bring us back together, let's not waste it."

"We're a really messed up family, but I think I'd like that. Just promise me everything turns out ok."

"Yeah, we're a regular freak parade alright. Things won't always be easy, but they will be alright."

"That's it!" Luna exclaimed, "I've been wondering what to call my followers, Voldemort had his Death Eaters, Dumbledore had the Order of the Phoenix, and I shall have the Freak Parade! Your parents are welcome to join us in our quest to corrupt the world."

"I've always wanted to join a parade." James said.

* * *

Harry and Luna were married in the spring, the wedding was very odd. Time passed and the family grew in secret. Living under assumed names both families gave birth to non-identical twins five years later and only a few months apart. Sirius and Remus Potter were born to Harry and Luna, while Daisy and Iris were born to Lily and James. They grew up as cousins though they were actually aunts and nephews. When they were old enough, their parents let them in on their secret heritage and relations after putting them under a secrecy spell similar to what the Unspeakables used.

Harry and James both took their turns at the DADA job before retiring. James retired because of the twins, but Harry retired because he liked the idea of a DADA curse.

All four twins joined the Freak Parade.

* * *

The day after Harry killed the basilisk, the older Harry was back to salvage the parts. Basilisk parts were expensive! He made a full suit for himself and Luna out of the skin and carved several knives of assorted lengths out of the fangs. Basilisk fang knives were exceedingly useful so long as handled with basilisk skin gloves, the teeth always contained traces of the poison on them making them deadly to the recipient.

* * *

"Hey Dad, want to go see something cool?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"Well I was thinking we could go see me bumble through my first attempt at time travel. It will also be a chance for you to see Sirius and Remus again, if only briefly."

"It will be good to see them again after all these years. Let's go make fun of your younger self."

"Grab the invisibility cloaks. And let's head to Hogwarts."

They arrived in time to watch both groups leave the front doors. They watched Moony and Sirius come out with Peter and the kids. Harry had to restrain James when Snape showed up; though it was pretty hard to restrain himself at the time. Only knowing that time could not be changed helped. It would really suck to lose James to a stray dementor just because he wanted to settle an old score.

"Oh, here comes the good part. See all those dementors? Oh man it sucked to be me right now. And here I come to the Lake. Ok, I'm passing out from the dementors, and there it is! Look at that, my first corporeal patronus drives off a hundred dementors."

"Harry, why did you bring me here?"

"Because it's kind of funny to watch myself almost get killed. Hey, so long as I live through it, I am allowed to come back later and heckle."

"You do realize this is every father's worst nightmare? How would you feel if it was Sirius and Remus out there?"

"Oh, I'd be panicking, but come on Dad, you know I lived through it. Hey, look, there I am stealing a hippogriff. Doesn't it make the Marauder in you proud Prongs?"

"Yes it does Hissy, but please don't bring me back to taunt your near deaths anymore."

"So I take it that means you won't come watch me battle the dragon next year?"

James fainted.

* * *

In the end, the whole family did come out to watch the Triwizard tournament. They had to apply several silencing charms to shut Harry up when he heckled himself too loudly. He heckled all the way through the third task, but stopped before he and Cedric reached the cup. He was very quiet when the crowd around him went crazy. He cried silent tears and he and Cedric's body returned later.

He was getting quite good with wandless magic since none of them would allow him out in public with a wand anymore. He had also worked for his Arithmancy Mastery and spent a lot of time creating new spells. Luna was now a Charms Mistress. Lily had a Charms and Potions Mastery. James pulled for transfiguration. They were perhaps the most well rounded and studious group of lunatics the world had ever seen.

* * *

"Hey Luna, did you and Mum ever finish that portal charm I asked for?"

"Theoretically it is finished, but we haven't tested it on humans yet."

"Why not?"

"Well, if we miscalculated it could kill the person sent through and you were always too busy to help us with the arithmancy."

"Oh yeah, sorry about that. Is it affected by anti-apperation or anti-portkey wards?"

"No dear, you asked us to make it that way and we did. If you weren't so busy foiling the Order and Death Eaters so much you wouldn't have to ask."

"Well, I thought that was what our side was supposed to do."

"Yes, but we can't play our hand too soon. We've still got two months before we can come out of hiding. Speaking of things you needed to do, did you buy the Daily Prophet like I asked?"

"Yes dear. Through fourteen different shills and spread across seven fake identities, we now own the Daily Prophet. How are the uniforms coming?"

"Splendidly, your father had some truly wicked color combinations in his head."

"Great, well, I am going out for the evening. I will see you later and maybe try to recruit a new follower or two."

"Have fun!"

* * *

Luna was surprised an hour later when Sirius Black came flying backwards out of thin air and landed on his backside in the kitchen.

"Oh dear, I forgot the date again." Luna moaned.

"What's that dear?" Lily asked coming from the living room. "Why is Sirius lying on the floor?"

"Help me get him to a bed. I forgot the date again and Harry went to heckle himself before I could stop him. He seems to have also arranged a human test for our portal charm."

"Wait, you mean Harry was almost killed again?"

"Yes, in about five minutes he is going to fight Voldemort again. He'll be back soon and want to talk to Sirius. Let's not wake him up until Harry gets here."

"Why not?"

"Because as far as the rest of the world knows, Sirius Black just fell through the veil. Harry must have cast the portal right on the veil so no one noticed. He saved another family member from being killed."

"Oh, yes we better wait for him to explain things."

"I can almost understand now why Harry likes taunting himself so much. I want to go join him right now."

"Why would you make fun of your husband like that even if he was younger?"

"Oh, I was at this fight too. It was a lot of fun the first time, and I think it might be fun to be there and not be fighting so hard as to miss it all."

Harry's voice joined them. "Exactly! Don't worry, I heckled for both of us and we can always go watch the great dance marathon next month."

"You're back! So I take it Voldemort is still a snake faced bastard?"

"Sadly yes. Now, lets wake up Sirius, I've waited almost twenty years to give him this hug. Get Dad in here. Enervate!"

Sirius woke up with a start, and just stared at Lily for a few moments, then James. When he moved to Harry and Luna he just broke down crying.

"It's not fair! First Lily and James die so young, and now you are here on the other side waiting for me too Harry?"

"You're right Sirius, it's not fair. I've mourned your loss for almost twenty years. I've done things I was proud of, and wanted to show you, but you weren't there. I've been separated from you by death or prison all my life. I just want to say it now because I don't think I said it when you were alive. I love you Sirius."

"I love you too cub. My you look older. Please, just tell me you bagged Voldie before crossing over."

"Well that's a sticky point Padfoot," James said, "The problem with it is that none of us are dead. Welcome to the longest running prank in history."

"If you include the part where the prank was on me, we've been fooling the world for almost thirty three years." Harry added. "Now come on, I want to introduce my kids to their Great Uncle Padfoot."

"Kids? But you're fifteen."

"Sorry to break it to you Padfoot, but I am thirty five. In another month and a half I am going to travel back in time and rescue my parents. I am as old as you."

"Speaking of which, I still owe you a spanking for that. But at least this is the last time you will go out heckling."

"Yeah, yeah I know. Was the heckling really that bad?"

"YES!" Yelled the other three adults.

"Heckling? Sounds like my kind of good time. Why are they so against it?"

"Well, that's the rub. Since I went back in time, I've been at every time where I was almost killed and I make fun of myself. Whether it was quidditch matches or my yearly visits with the Dark Lord, I was always there."

"But you could have been killed!" Sirius yelled at him.

"And I have been, many times. See the problem with that damn prophecy is that only Voldemort can really kill me. Heck, just saving your arse tonight I took three or four killing curses. Those things hurt!"

"WHAT?" The room screamed at him.

"Oops? Have I never mentioned that before? Funny, I thought I had. Anyway, unless it is Voldemort, I don't even bother dodging killing curses any more. Crucio's, now those I dodge. Damn things hurt like the dickens. Anyway, let's go introduce you to the kids and catch you up on the past fifteen years."

Sirius was proud to have a brilliant young trouble maker named after him, and accepted their offer to be Remus' godfather. Remus Lupin was going to be Sirius' godfather when they kidnapped him. After hearing about all the assorted gambling and fun being had without him, Sirius was only too happy to join the Freak Parade. He took his mark with happiness like Harry, not trepidation like Lily, or under a death glare like James.

* * *

Remus Lupin woke up with a start. Ever since Harry had disappeared he had been drinking himself to sleep every night. He felt a lot of guilt about the way he had lost Sirius and Harry in such a short time. It had been a hard two weeks since Harry left. He looked over to see three black haired men, a red head and a blond in his room.

"Get up you great lout. It's time for the Marauders to ride again." Sirius called.

"Oh God, why must you haunt my dreams?"

"No Moony, we aren't ghosts here to haunt you, we are really here and it's time for you to join us." Harry said. "Mum and Dad have waited a long time for this, and so have I."

"No, you're dead! You are all dead! Ok, I am not sure about the old looking Luna over there, but the rest of you are dead."

"Hey, I am not old!" Luna pouted.

"If we are dead then you are too Moony, now get up and come with us. We've got a lot to talk about. God I've missed you." Harry was getting emotional again.

"Must you cry every time we rescue someone?" Luna asked, "If you're friends were just a little more accepting of these sorts of things we could have visited them more often."

"Well if you would hurry up and make the new glamour charm I asked you for three years ago we could visit my friends more often."

"Hey, its not easy making something Moody's eye can't see through. And if you could stop heckling yourself for two minutes we might have been done months ago."

Moony looked to the others, "Do they always bicker like this?"

"Only when Harry has been slacking off. Mostly they've had a very quiet marriage, but every couple has their ups and downs." Lily replied quietly.

"Since when were Harry and Luna married?"

"Eighteen years this April!" Luna sang over her shoulder.

"Somebody hit me with a sobering charm, I think we all need to have a talk."

And the Freak Parade was up to ten.

* * *

The next day, five couples in tie-dye robes wearing purple scarves danced the two Alleys. Young and old, they were given a wide berth as they did back to school shopping. This would be an interesting year to be at Hogwarts.

* * *

Harry, Luna, their sons, and their sisters were all on the Hogwarts express on the first of September. Hermione, Ron, and Ginny tore through the crowd trying to follow them to their compartment.

"Harry, where have you been? The Order and Dumbledore have all been worried sick!"

"Hello Hermione, good to see you again too." Harry leapt up to give his friends hugs and/or kisses on the cheek.

"Stop it Harry James Potter, you are not allowed to get emotional again. You will not cause a scene!"

"But Luna…"

"Secrets!"

"Yes dear."

The new first years giggled.

"Come on mate, let's grab our usual compartment. We can talk away from the firsties." Ron tried to drag him away.

"No, but if you want we can expand the compartment a bit and you can join us here. I'm sure we won't mind your company."

"Alright, you heard him, first years out." The Potter children didn't move.

"I don't think you understood me," Harry said calmly. He pushed against the windows and expanded the compartment for his friends. "You may join us, no one is being kicked out."

"Who are these students Harry, they look slightly familiar?" Hermione asked with a thoughtful frown. Foru black haired green eyed children stare up at her.

"Oh, I am sorry, Hermione, Ginny, Ron, meet Sirius, Remus, Iris, and Daisy Potter." Harry pointed at each in turn, "And we all know Luna Potter."

"Potter… But… and them…" Hermione fainted while Ginny looked envious.

"Enervate! Sorry Hermione, I shouldn't spring that on you. I've had a busy summer." Harry joked.

"Took forever though didn't it?" Luna cracked. The kids giggled.

Ron looked at Ginny, "Ever feel that they were having a joke and not sharing?"

"Welcome to being Luna's friend."

"Oh don't worry. No one is getting this joke. This is going to be the best year of Hogwarts ever!"

"But there is Voldemort and this new group out there! Sirius is dead and Remus has been missing for weeks."

"Sirius is with my parents now, and Remus has probably just run off somewhere. Voldemort will get his eventually and I really am not worried about the new group. Their leader likes me."

"You know who their leader is?" Hermione asked, "You've got to tell Dumbledore immediately."

"No I don't think I will. Lady Moonshine wouldn't like it."

"Yes, we wouldn't want Lady Moonshine to punish you again would we?" Remus quipped, "I heard you screaming through the walls last time. Seriously, its called a silencing charm, teach it to her."

Harry went read and the rest wisely decided not to ask.

* * *

The sorting ceremony began as it always did, except for the four smirking first years who knew more magic than the rest of them put together. That was unusual. McGonagall read down the list of first years as always, she nearly choked when she reached,

"Potter, Daisy" the hall went quiet.

"Gryffindor!" Harry yelled with triumph.

"Potter, Iris"

"Gryffindor" Again Harry was out of his seat.

"Potter, Remus" Snape whimpered.

"Ravenclaw!" Luna cheered like a maniac.

"Potter, Sirius"

"Slytherin!" Harry stood and cheered again as the rest of the hall looked at him oddly.

"Oh HELL NO! I will not teach that Potter Spawn! I won't have him in my house. This is all one of the brat's jokes!"

Eight people in the great hall bristled.

"Severus, it is your job to teach the students." Dumbledore quietly reminded him.

"Then I quit. I won't be party to his pranks. I don't know what he did, but I know Potter is behind this."

"I thought what I did was obvious Professor Snape." Harry yelled. "Surely you aren't asking me to explain where babies come from?"

"Professor Dumbledore, my wife is a Potions Mistress, she may be interested in teaching. I know for a fact she would have no problem teaching Potter spawn." Said a voice from behind a cloak that Harry knew all too well.

"Of course Professor Fletcher, if Professor Snape insists on leaving, ask her to see me for an interview. But now, on with the sorting!"

There were no problems with the rest of the sorting or the feast. Dumbledore stood to make his annual announcements.

"…And finally we are most happy to welcome Professor Fletcher back as our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He taught here back in the eighties and we are fortunate to persuade him to come back."

"You sly bastard! Why didn't you tell me?" Harry yelled.

"What, and miss the look on your face? No, this is worth the pain I know I will get in return." James Potter responded as he lowered his hood.

"Just you wait. I'll bring it down on you like you've never seen!" Harry threatened.

"If you are quite finished threatening my teachers Mr. Potter, may we continue?"

"Sorry."

"I would like to see the both of you in my office after the feast."

"Yes sir." Came two chastised voices.

Dumbledore finished his announcements and Harry stood up.

"Everyone, I'd like to make an announcement." He got the attention of most of the Hall. "I'm tired of trying to hide what I am. I'm coming out of the broom shed. I am a Purple Wizard and I am proud."

Seamus Finnegan started cheering, "Finally! Let's get together later and… talk."

Strangely four other "purple wizards" came out at the opening feast, none of them were Purple Wizards. Harry chuckled to himself, the best cover was no cover at all.

* * *

"This must bring back memories, eh?" Harry asked James.

"I've lost count of the number of times I was called to the Headmaster's office." James called out the password and they ascended the stairs.

"Hello Professor Dumbledore. What did you need with us today?" Harry asked the Headmaster.

"I'll admit, I am intrigued by your behavior in tonight's feast as well as your disappearance over the summer. How about we start with how you know a professor who hasn't taught here since long before you came?"

"Oh, that. Well you see Professor," Harry lay down across James' lap and stroked his cheek. "He and I share a special relationship."

"Ah…" Dumbledore was flustered, "Does your wife know Professor Fletcher?"

"She knows, I have a very special relationship with her as well." Harry replied.

Dumbledore choked on his lemon drop.

"I trust you can both keep your relationship completely outside of school affairs?"

"Oh certainly Professor, I wouldn't dream of going easy on this impudent brat!" James gave a feral grin. "If anything he will have it worse than anyone."

Harry winced.

"Alright, but I had better not hear otherwise. Now, Mr. Potter where did those first years come from? They weren't on the roll until just this summer."

"They came from the usual places. You see Professor, when a man and a woman love each other very much…"

"I know that! I meant why are they named Potter."

"Well that's easy, because their parents were named Potter. It seems Professor that you may be guilty of keeping me in the dark again. Are you certain that my parents are dead, and that I am the last of the Potter line?"

"Yes Harry, your parents are very dead. I am sorry."

"Too bad, they were decent folk." James snickered.

"Professor Fletcher it isn't polite to amuse yourself with your student's sorrows. Now Harry, would you like to tell me how you know those students, or where you have been this summer?"

"Well I know the students because I know their parents. And I really don't feel the need to tell you about where I have been. I was safe the entire time."

James snorted, "Safe? How many times did you see Voldemort since the end of last term?"

"Six."

"How many cruciartus curses did you have to dodge?"

"One hundred thirteen."

"How many did you fail to dodge?"

"Twelve."

"And how many killing curses have been thrown at you since you last saw your Headmaster?"

"I lost count."

"And you call that safe?"

"Well I am alive and sane! Um… Well I am alive anyway."

"Harry, Professor Fletcher, I will talk with you later. I've suddenly developed a massive headache. Remember to send your wife in for that Potions interview. What house was she in again?"

"Goodnight Professor."

"Goodnight. I believe she was in Slytherin." James lied smoothly.

* * *

The two miscreants left the office much happier than they had entered. 

"I ought to wallop you over implying that you and I were lovers! And then extending that to Lily! Shame on you Harry Potter."

"It was payback old man for not telling me you were coming back this year."

"Like I would miss my daughters' and grandsons' first year at Hogwarts. With the six of you here, Lils and I just had to come."

"Point, I still don't see how all of your kids get into Gryffindor and mine go elsewhere."

"I blame Sirius on you entirely. You are way to conniving to be a Gryff. Remus takes after his mother and there is no shame in that. Hey, give my girls a goodnight kiss for me before you head off alright?"

"Sure, then I am going to floo over to Luna's trunk and sleep with her. It should lead to a fun morning given my announcement tonight."

"Goodnight Hissy."

"Goodnight Prongs."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer; Why oh why am I writing a third chapter? I could have done three chapters of Warlord Prince, but instead I am writing this….

* * *

Sirius Potter strutted his way into the Slytherin common room. From what his father had told him, he would need to make some changes around here. Or maybe start recruiting. Either would work really.

"Potter! What does a little mudblood like you think he is doing in our common room?" Ah, there was the Malfoy sneer. He was starting to get lonely.

"Well, you see Malfoy, I was sorted into this house. By the way, my blood is pure. All my parents and grandparents were wizards. I seem to remember something about Narcissa's mother being half troll."

"How dare you insult my family!"

"Oh it isn't hard, you just have to string all the words together in the right order."

"Shut it little brat! I'm going to hex you into next week. Serpensortia!"

"Killroy!"

"What kind of a spell was that? Don't you know anything about magic?" Draco taunted.

Killroy popped into the room and immediately flew into a rage, hissing and spitting at the snake as he tore it apart.

"Does the wee baby Potter need an animal to fight his battles for him? This is a magic duel idiot."

"Alright then. Explosivo Castrado! Funny I never heard a challenge for a duel. Goodnight Malfoy."

Draco Malfoy lay on the floor clutching himself, a small pool of blood seeping from his crotch.

* * *

Harry woke up warm and comfortable. He silently and wandlessly reapplied the glamours to himself and Luna as he snuggled against her back. Life was good. He was back in his own time with everyone he really cared about alive and well, and he got to wake up next to an Angel.

Someone tore open the curtains and he raised his head to glare at them. Morag McDougal looked back at him for a second before she began to scream.

"Sorry love, looks like its time for me to go!" Harry gave Luna a quick kiss and bolted for the door.

Screams followed him as he ran through the room and down the staircase. He was halfway to Gryffindor before he realized he had left his clothes behind. Oh well he thought, just have to march with your head held high and pretend it doesn't matter. There were worse things that could happen than being caught in one's boxers. Hermione and Ron were coming out the portrait hole as he approached.

"Mate, what happened, did you get pranked or something? Where are your clothes?"

"Nope, I just got caught in Luna's bed and had to make a run for it before her roommates decided to remove my manhood." Ron winced.

"But Harry, I though you said last night…" Hermione had the grace to blush.

"Maybe, maybe not. I will remind you of what I said on the train just before you passed out. Now if you'll excuse me, a gentleman does not parade in their undergarments in public. I will see you at breakfast. Do you know if the girls have left yet?"

"Iris and Daisy? No I think they were waiting for you."

"Alright, see you later."

Harry joined them a few minutes later with his sisters. Luna stopped by for a longer good morning kiss when she arrived. Seamus sputtered and Dumbledore looked confused. How many relationships could one person have? McGonagall walked up as she was handing out schedules and looked at them both sternly.

"I'd like to see the two of you in my office after breakfast. Professor Flitwick will also be present."

"Yes ma'am, we'll be there."

"So Harry, what were you doing in Luna's bed last night?" Ron tried to needle his friend. The twins giggled.

"No we did not!" Harry said sternly to the twins. "If you must know, there was some snogging, some cuddling, and a lot of sleeping."

"Exactly. You know Ronald, sleeping with someone is a wonderful thing. At first it takes some getting used to, having someone else in your bed. But then you grow used to them and miss them when they are gone. It feels so good to wake up holding someone or being held. If you ever overcome your shyness with Hermione you might find out."

Both Ron and Hermione blushed and wouldn't look at each other.

"Moving on, how do you know the new defense Professor Harry?" Hermione was quick to change the subject.

"Oh Professor Fletcher? He and I go way back. He's almost like a father to me." He said wistfully as the three girls in the know snorted. "Of course he's no Professor Taggart, but he will do."

"Who is Professor Taggart?"

"He taught Defense the year after Fletcher. He holds the record for the number of O's among his OWL and NEWT students. I come second with the DA, and Fletcher comes a close third." Again he got a few snorts.

"Stop it, now what's so funny?" Hermione turned her patented "Explain before I gut you with a spoon" glare on Luna.

"Oh, there is an infestation of wrack-spurts around here. Pesky things." Her two young accomplices nodded and smiled.

"Well I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got an angry head of house to placate. I'll see you in Potions. Oh, by the way Ron, I've got some sway with the new Potions Professor. If you want to get in, let me know and I will ask her to fix the requirements. Or you could just beg these two little brats to do it too. Their puppy dog eyes have helped me get away with a lot."

"Thanks Harry, I think I will wait and see how things go before taking your word on it."

"Come on Luna, we don't want to keep them waiting."

* * *

"Mr. Potter, Ms. Lovegood…" McGonagall began sternly.

"Mrs. Potter." Luna corrected dreamily.

"Ms. Lovegood," She continued, "We need you to explain your behavior this morning. Never in all my years at this school have we found a young man in a young lady's bed."

"I would think it would be quite common." Harry replied offhandedly.

"Oh we catch the opposite all the time, but that isn't the point. Such behavior is not what we have come to expect from Gryffindor House."

"No, you'd think it was more the Slytherin job, they are supposed to be sneaky, but then you remember that no one outside their house would date them." Luna shot in.

"Ms. Lovegood!" Flitwick gasped.

"Love very good!" Harry said fondly.

"It's Mrs. Potter!" Luna huffed. "You've been married to me how long and you still make jokes about my maiden name?"

"Excuse me, we are supposed to be talking about how we are going to keep you two out of each others beds." Professor McGonagall wouldn't be distracted.

"Oh I quite welcome the challenge. I think it will be interesting to see what you come up with." Harry said. "What are your current methods? I might have a few ideas."

"Well there is a gender line at the bottom of the stair case. The standard anti-apperation and portkey wards all over the castle. There is a second gender line across the threshold of the room. We've never needed more than that."

"Hmm… Well I do have a few ideas. Can your gender lines be fooled by a metamorph? And what about the exceptions built into those gender lines? Perhaps you ought to tweak those. Additionally, look at the portkey wards. The Headmaster can make portkeys that work on the grounds and castle. If I somehow forced Dumbledore to give me a portkey, I could pop into any of the girls' dorms. Never overlook the human element in your calculations."

"I've never heard of a metamorphmagus able to change their gender. The only exceptions to the gender lines are staff members. You have a point about the portkey wards though."

"Did any of your detectors or gender lines alert you to my presence? I am going to guess no since I got a fine night's sleep. And what about my hasty exit. Surely that sounded some alarms."

"Actually no." Professor Flitwick looked thoughtful.

"Well start there and let me know when you can catch me without her roommates help."

"Mr. Potter, maybe we haven't been clear. We cannot allow you to be visiting Ms. Lovegood's bed." McGonagall just wouldn't let it die.

"Boobs Gooder… Oh sorry dear. Is it really so wrong for me to visit my wife's bed? Surely there is something in the rules for married students? Some forgotten old rule that never got abolished as times came forward?"

"We weren't aware you were married. Surely the Prophet would make a story out of it if you were. Besides, to legally marry your wizarding guardians would have to had signed your marriage license since you're both underage. I know Professor Dumbledore never signed one."

"You could have listened perhaps. She's been trying to tell you since we came in here. Anyway, I thought you might bring that up, so I've got a little something here for you. Our Marriage License, dated April 14, 1982. We'll have been married fifteen years this spring. I've been thinking of holding a ceremony to renew our vows, you both would be welcome of course."

"But she wouldn't have even been a year old!" Flitwick felt obliged to point out the obvious.

"Damn, why did I tell Moony it was eighteen years?" Luna wondered.

"You were counting from when we were first together, not out actual marriage."

"That makes sense." She nodded.

"No it doesn't, neither of you were alive eighteen years ago! Stop talking nonsense." Professor Flitwick looked like a Vulcan at an Emo concert. Such irrationality!

"I can't say I understand what Minister Bagnold was thinking when she signed this, but I guess it is official. So… Congratulations I guess?"

"Thank you Professor." They responded together.

"Will either of you be coming to the renewal ceremony? We'd like to get a guest list started earlier rather than later." Luna pulled out a note pad.

Professor Flitwick nodded while McGonagall smiled.

"I do so love a wedding. I remember James and Lily's wedding so well."

"That's two. Oh Luna, remind me to ask around Gryffindor later. Of course the Weasley clan will come, so that's probably another fifteen when you include dates. Hermione might, if she isn't too annoyed at me."

"Oh, remember to include Tonks. She did love Professor Taggart. She told me once that he was the one who made her want to become an auror."

"She'll probably come with Lupin anyway. I never knew Taggart had that effect on her. She was only a first year at the time."

"On Shacklebolt too. Of course he also wrote that glowing recommendation to the Auror academy too. I think that might have helped."

"Well he was top of his NEWT class when Taggart taught him. What was there not to recommend?"

"If you two are done talking about guest lists and people well before your time, you may leave. I will look into seeing if we can find anything in the rules to help. In the meantime, try to stay in your own beds."

"I'll try to stay out if you'll try to keep me out. Professor McGonagall, Professor Flitwick, can we ask you to not mention us being married. We would kind of like to avoid the media circus until at least after Voldemort has passed on."

"Of course. We wouldn't want to make a target out of you." The pint sized professor was quick to reassure.

* * *

"Welcome everyone to NEWT Potions. I am Professor Fletcher, but you may all call me Lily to avoid confusion with my husband. I am quite a bit different from your previous instructor. He was a greasy git, and I wash my hair regularly."

There were nervous chuckles around the room, they were unsure if it was alright to laugh.

"We will begin today with a dreamless sleep potion. Is anyone familiar with it? Yes, Mr. Potter, please explain your experience with this potion."

"Well, given that I have spent enough time in the Hospital wing to have earned my own bed there, I've taken more than my share. A well made potion will be a creamy green and taste of peppermint and chamomile. A poorly made potion may be more green than is usual and will have a bitter aftertaste. Fifteen milliliters is enough to ensure four hours of sleep, but the dosage must be scaled to thirty five if a full eight hours is desired."

"Thank you Mr. Potter, twenty points to Gryffindor. It is clear how you made it into my class. Mr. Malfoy, why must the essence of alder bark be added slowly while stirring counter clockwise."

"Because it is in the directions." His voice sounded higher than normal.

"Fifteen points for your cheek. If you had even read the directions you would know that essence of alder bark isn't even in the recipe. If you knew the first thing on potions theory you would know that it is used to induce visions and therefore most certainly would NOT be in this potion."

With that, the class knew that things would be different from here on out. The class continued along this vein and the non-Slytherin students thought it was the most educational potions class they had ever taken. When the class ended, Lily asked Harry if he would stop by later for tea. He nodded that he would.

* * *

"I wonder why the new Potions professor wants you to stop by for tea." Hermione said as they all sat down for lunch.

"I hope it's a foursome. Those are always fun." Luna joined in. The others around them stopped eating and stared at the couple.

"Luna, you know as well as I do that we've never had a foursome with anyone. I refuse to share. Quit trying to wind up our friends. I think Lily and James just want to celebrate their new jobs."

"No, it's probably the foursome. After all, they haven't invited us or Sirius and Remus." Daisy grinned.

"For the last time, there will be no foursome!" Harry said just a little too loudly. The head table and half the hall turned to stare at him.

"That's good news Mr. Potter, but must you interrupt our meal?" James asked with a raised eyebrow. Dumbledore was quietly trying to piece together the three apparent relationships and wondering if a foursome might be taking place after all.

"I am ashamed at you two." Harry hissed to Daisy and Iris, "You keep making Luna and I out to be some kind of sex obsessed perverts."

Two stares looked back at him while Luna asked innocently "You mean we're not?"

"I am not a pervert. You are the one that keeps coming up with odd ideas."

"And you keep doing them. I think that makes you a pervert too."

Ron actually put down his food. "Do you two mind?"

"Not at all. That's it, I am cutting you off until you admit I am not a pervert."

Ginny nudged Hermione, "You'll notice he never claimed not to be sex obsessed."

"Well of course I am. Look at her, she's only getting more unbelievable with every day. If the table weren't full of food, I'd throw her down and shag her senseless right now."

Ron just got up and left.

"Public sex is kind of kinky Harry. Are you sure you aren't a pervert."

"Well it's nothing we haven't done before… Oh damn, I am a pervert."

"Does this mean you aren't going to cut me off?"

"As if I could ever withhold anything from you."

"I've got a free period next if you want to test the acoustics in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Hot Damn, that's another one off the checklist. Now we will just need to get the Headmaster's office and the staff room and we will have had it in every major room of the castle."

"Eww! I did not need to know where my best friend has been shagging his girlfriend. I didn't even want to know he had been shagging her at all." Hermione was finally forced to give up eating as well. In fact, it seemed most of Gryffindor had decided to skip lunch today.

"We got Snape's desk twice." Luna sounded as if she had no shame, most likely because she didn't. Ginny clapped her hand over her mouth and rushed from the room.

* * *

"So did you two hear the newest bit on the Hogwarts rumor mill? It seems Moaning Myrtle has a new friend haunting the pipes." James said blithely.

Luna grinned. "The moaning was a lot more joyous than anything Myrtle ever did I can tell you that right now."

"You need to let me borrow Killroy or Bertha so we can get in there. It's the only one left on our list."

"Damn, how did you get the Headmaster's office?" Harry was jealous.

"Well back in your first year while you were busy taunting your younger self, the office was empty for several hours. You might have got a chance too if you didn't have an obsession with self depreciation."

"We need to make some sort of plaque or something for the trophy room when we finish this." Lily suggested.

"I'll make you a deal. If you invite Dumbles over for a private dinner later in the week and keep him occupied, I'll let you into the Chamber."

"But then we'd have to make chit chat for at least an hour with the man." Lily pouted.

"Better make that two." Luna suggested.

* * *

Harry continued to sleep in Luna's bed until her roommates started randomly flinging the curtains open in the middle of the night. After that, they moved to Harry's bed. Ron only had to be hexed once before the rest of the room learned it was better to knock on the bedpost to wake them up.

A plaque with four names on it celebrating the completion of the "Hogwarts Circuit" appeared in the trophy room Friday night. Harry was called to Dumbledore's office Saturday morning.

"Mr. Potter, did you know that magical portraits had imaginations?"

"No I didn't sir."

"It's a funny thing, why the portraits in this office told me the most interesting story when I came back from dinner with the Fletchers last night."

"You don't say."

"You wouldn't know what it was about would you?" Dumbledore looked him hard in the eye.

"Nope, not a clue."

"I wasn't aware you were so adept at occlumency Mr. Potter."

"There are a great many things you aren't aware of."

"Evidently. I'll be sending you a bill for having my office professionally cleaned. My usual chair cannot stand cleaning spells. You may leave."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer; I don't own HP or any derivative works.

* * *

Harry came back to the Gryffindor common room after his meeting with Dumbledore. A good portion of the House was studying and struggling through homework, so Harry decided to liven things up a bit.

"Hello Hermione, working hard?"

"Yes, I am so fed up with this. I've been working on this Arithmancy problem for the past half hour and I just can't solve it. NEWT work is harder."

"Well, look, here's your problem right there. In your second step you changed this zed into a two. You need to pay more attention. Here…" He quickly scribbled down the solution. "If you ever need help again, feel free to call me over. It's a nice day, I think I'm going to gather the kids together and go flying."

"But you never took Arithmancy! How can you just blow off homework like that?"

"Just because I didn't study it doesn't mean I can't do it. You are too constrained by cause and effect, in that order. I was awarded my Arithmancy Mastery at the age of 29, so NEWT level work is no problem for me now at 16. I can do it now because I will have studied it later."

"That makes no sense!"

"It doesn't have to. Break free of those tight constraints of sanity and fly free with the rest of us crazy folk. Why do you think Luna is so brilliant? So want to come flying with me and the girls? I'll have to pop over to Ravenclaw and see if we can grab Remus. Sirius will definitely join us as soon as we break him out from the snake's den."

"If you promise to help me with my Arithmancy later, I will come with you. I may not like quidditch but that doesn't mean I can't fly."

"Great, I'll grab a spare broom from my trunk for you." He whistled a trill and the girls looked up. "Grab your brooms, let's grab some sky before it gets too cold on us."

"Harry, you know first years aren't allowed to have their own brooms." Hermione sounded disappointed in him.

"Of course I do, and they don't. I have several brooms, and they were nice enough to give me someplace to store them. There's nothing in the rules against that."

Hermione was about to respond when he spun his wand around in the air and stepped forward, disappearing from the common room.

* * *

"Harry, look at page three of today's Prophet!" Hermione exclaimed at breakfast the next week.

"Did they finally take my suggestion to get Page Three Girls like the Sun?"

"What? No, there's a recruiting ad for that other group. Listen to this;

"_Are you tired of Barmy Old Codgers telling you to do things 'For the Greater Good', but don't want to lose your soul in Dark Magic? Do you want to live through the War without being beholden to others but don't want to go it alone? Join the Lady Moonshine today. Join the only group able to kidnap Harry Potter and keep him without his friends being able to find him. If we can hide him from the world, we can help anyone stay safe. Torturing is completely consensual if it happens at all, we take care of our families. Remit what's left of your sanity to the 'Freak Parade' and receive your new uniform and personal grimiore within the week. No membership dues, no duties to the group. Preference given to the certifiably mad and/or insane._"

"There's a pair of pink lip prints on the bottom, and pictures of you smiling with a group of people in brightly colored robes!"

"Does it get my good side? Half those pictures didn't come out right."

"How can you be joking about this? They're using your fame for their own gain. I thought you hated that."

"Well unlike everyone else in the world, they asked permission. Given the great summer I had, I figured it was the least I could do for Lady Moonshine. Oh good, they got my favorite picture in there."

"But they are subverting the war effort."

"No, I think they are appealing to the people who want nothing to do with it. Getting people to watch out for each other and travel with friends is good sense in these times. That's what they're about. Well that and building an army of penguins with machine guns, but you didn't here the last part from me."

"Penguins with guns? But they have no fingers, how could they pull the trigger?"

"Sadly that is exactly what is holding them back. The training wasn't too hard, but they just can't hold the guns. Once you get past the goofy exterior, they follow the doctrine of 'If it aint Black and White, Peck, Scratch, and Bite!' quite well."

"They really did brainwash you didn't they?"

"I think I was always this crazy and I only just embraced it back in June."

"What's that Potty, finally admitting you are crazy are you?" Malfoy came up from behind them.

"Piss off Malfoy!" Ron yelled.

"No, Ron, I know how to handle this. Bertha! Killroy! Look, there's a snake on his robes!" The mongooses teleported in and snarled at Draco.

Malfoy ran away screaming with the mongooses hot on his tail.

"Well that's enough fun for one morning, come on its time for us to head towards Defense, I see Professor Fletcher finishing up." Harry stood up and made to leave when a scandalized voice from behind him called out.

"Mr. Potter! What is the meaning of this?"

"What's that Professor McGonagall?"

"Why are you not wearing any pants?" She screeched.

"Oh, well that's easy. The dress code says I need to wear my robe, a tie, have my shirt buttoned all the way up, and tucked in. It says nothing about pants or lack thereof. I was feeling warm this morning so I just tucked my shirt into my shorts and grabbed my robes."

"Pants are most definitely necessary! I'm going to go make that correction now. I swear, your father and godfather would be proud of you right now."

"No they wouldn't. They'd be spinning in their graves." Fletcher commented as he passed.

"You'd do well to remember that can be arranged Old Man."

* * *

"Alright everybody settle down now. We've got an exciting lesson today. Today we start with a spell that has never been taught at Hogwarts before. It could be a valuable tool one day." Professor Fletcher opened the class. "Now very few people know this spell, but I think you all might need to know it."

"What is it Professor?" Hermione was bright and brilliant as ever.

"This spell was created by my colleague Harold Taggart, who taught DADA the year after me. It is a combination reflecting shield and cutting charm wielded like a sword. In the hands of a competent wielder, this spell can deflect anything but the unforgivables and still give you a workable offense."

"Did you ask Professor Taggart's permission to teach this? Last I talked to him he wasn't going to teach it to any but his close friends." Harry was a little miffed.

"Of course I did. Now class, the technique for this spell is a little different from most others. The grip is not the standard duelers grip. You need to hold your wand as if it were a sword. Slap the bottom of your wand with your other hand and say the incantation thusly. **Luxaber!**" A bright green column rose out of his wand about three feet long.

Hermione's mouth dropped open. "What kind of crackpot made a light saber charm?"

Harry was cursing meddlesome fools under his breath as the Professor responded, "Oh good, so you recognize the inspiration. This charm isn't nearly as good as a light saber but it does its job. For one, the spell draws energy from you as long as you keep it active so not everyone can use it well. It also doesn't cut through anything like a light saber. It's just a variant of the cutting charm and won't harm wood, metal, stone, or dragon hide for example. Harry, I know you know this one, so get up here and demonstrate it for the class."

Harry just glared as he walked up. Fletcher hurled curses at him and he blocked them easily by moving the blade in front of them. He was hit from behind with a headache curse by someone under an invisibility cloak. Harry grabbed his head and cried out.

Ron got up, "Oh no, the Dark Lord must be torturing him again."

The cloak dropped revealing a tall man in a hooded cloak, his voice was cold and high. "Foolish boy, now you die!" A bright red beam emerged from his wand. He waved it through the air just to listen to the distinctive hum.

The class screamed and tried to leave through the now locked door.

"Never!" Harry brought out his luxaber charm again and prepared to fight. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

The two mortal enemies dueled for a few moments before the expected end arrived. The cloaked man stepped back and asked, "Did Dumbledore ever tell you about your father, boy?"

"He told me you killed him!" Yep, he guessed right.

"No Harry… I am your father." He pulled the hood back to reveal the face of James Potter.

"Nooo!" Harry's wand drew the portal behind him and his other hand wandlessly banished him into it. He went spinning through, caught off guard.

Fletcher unlocked the door and almost everyone ran screaming out into the halls. Hermione and a few other muggle born students stayed behind. Most of them were laughing too much to move, but Hermione was livid.

"That wasn't funny Harry!"

"I agree, no one was supposed to know that spell. I can't believe this prick taught one of our secret spells for the sake of a prank." He gestured to the laughing figure behind the desk.

"Hey, that is payback for telling Dumbledore I was your gay lover and that you were sleeping with my wife! You should know that Remus was a master of glamours and voice changing spells since he was in third year. It was half of his cover near the full moon."

"Still, that crossed the line! And I never said I was sleeping with either of you. I just implied it and let him work. I've got my hands full with just Luna."

"Where did poor Remus end up anyway? I recognized your portal, and nice work with the banishing spell. Too bad he never knew you didn't need your wand for that one."

"Given the severity of the offense, I sent him to the Headmaster's office. That's where I would be right now if I had orchestrated this prank. I am never renting movies for you guys again."

"Oh come on, I've been waiting to do that since I helped make the spell."

"It still crossed the line."

* * *

The Headmaster approached him before he could sit down for lunch. His beard as a bit shorter and cut at an angle, definitely different than it was at breakfast.

"Mr. Potter, could you explain why a visitor suddenly appeared in my office this morning?"

"My guess is that when he left our defense class he appeared there."

"Could you explain how he appeared? My office is warded against all forms of magical travel and only accepts outgoing floo travel. The only exceptions are phoenix travel and portkeys I personally make."

"Would you accept accidental magic as an explanation? It was very stressful when he unmasked himself if you could imagine."

"That's a stretch and you know it. Now why did he appear to be your father?"

Luna hugged him from behind. "Harry have you been performing illegal necromantic rituals again?"

"One Time! I did that once and you people never let it go."

"Your stuffed bear was not dead! It just needed some repair. Whatever you did fixed the damage, but now it stares at everyone and scares small children! It's evil now."

"That's not the point. So Headmaster, did he escape?"

"Regrettably yes. Whoever he really was he slashed at my beard and jumped out the window. I looked out, but he was gone. I think whoever it was must have been an animagus of some sort."

"That's one idea. I suggest you interrogate your defense professor now, he's more likely to break and give you the information you wanted." He turned to Luna and put on a falsetto voice "Hi, my name is Teddy Ruxpin, will you be my friend?"

Luna shuddered as she grabbed Harry tighter.

* * *

Hermione huffed as she dropped herself into her favorite chair by the fire. She slammed a black leather pocket sized book onto the table in front of her.

"Arrgh! I can't stand it. This piece of rubbish is driving me mad."

"Where did you get that from?" Harry asked.

"I confiscated it from a third year Hufflepuff. It is a book put out by the Freak Parade, see the pink lips on the front cover? He was even wearing a shiny pink pin on his lapel."

"Third year Hufflepuff? That would be Bryan Adams right? You should return it, they aren't banned items." Harry pulled a list from his pocket and made a notation before putting it away.

"You're keeping track?"

"Of course, I need to know where everyone's allegiances lie don't I? If I can't tell friend from foe, I'd be more paranoid than Moody. Give the book back, you won't break its secrets."

"What do you mean? This could be full of all kinds of dangerous magic, we need to know what's inside."

"Hermione, it is full of dangerous and powerful magic. Most of those spells only exist in the creators' personal journals outside of those little black books."

"But we need to know what these people are capable of."

"Then open the book and find out."

"I can't it won't tell me anything unless I make a wizard's oath never to tell anyone what is inside."

"It also requires an oath to only use the spells in self defense or in defense of another."

"But if you make those oaths, you can never report it to the authorities if there is something dark in there. I know you seem to like these people because they took you from your relatives and brainwashed you, but we can't trust them."

"I do. I'd trust them with my life and the lives of everyone I love. Look Hermione, make a choice. You can make the oaths and learn the spells or you can choose not to. That book is protected by more secrecy charms than the case files of the unspeakables, including some that only exist in that very same book. The Freak Parade doesn't ask for your loyalty, they want to prove you can't use their work for evil. You can take that book and give it to the Order, they can all swear the oaths and use the spells, but only for good. It won't change anything, there will only be more people with spells the death eaters and ministry don't know."

"Have you taken those oaths?"

"No, I didn't need to. But I still won't teach you without those oaths. They are a good security measure. I can tell you that before yesterday the Luxaber charm was only found in there. Fletcher spilled the beans on that one, but he wasn't bound by the secrecy spells because he got it from the spell crafter and not the books."

"What else is in there?"

"Shield spells, offensive spells to break shields, strategies, how to protect your family in case of an attack, a primer on basic wand care and safety, an improved animagus potion that can cut training time in half, how to create unauthorized portkeys to rescue your family, security and wards, and all sorts of other useful tips and tricks can be found in there. The secrets from nearly twenty years of work by a group with six Masteries between them, this is the work of far smarter minds than ours."

"I know, I'll take it to Dumbledore, surely he can break the secrecy charms."

"Sorry to break it to you, but if it gets within three feet of Dumbledore or certain other people, it bursts into flame and destroys itself. If you want a copy, just write to them and ask but give the poor boy back his book."

"Is your transport portal in there?"

"Nope, that one is very exclusive, six people in the world know that one and we won't be sharing unless there is a damn good reason to let someone else in on the secret. Your insatiable curiosity is an asset, but not a reason to give away privileged information without ironclad assurances that it goes no further. Think about it, if Voldemort kidnaps me again, I've always got a way out no matter what wards he has in place. The only thing that can stop it right now is an area of dead magic, but then the death eaters would be at a disadvantage too. You'll notice that though I may use it fairly often, I never say the incantation out loud."

* * *

There was a mild compulsion charm placed on the doorways leading into the Great Hall that Friday. The strong willed never noticed, but the rest seemed like they were waiting for something. Dumbledore entered the Great Hall halfway through breakfast and walked up the center aisle.

When he was halfway to the head table, Harry stood and shouted, "Hail the Light Lord Dumbles!"

About three quarters of the great hall jumped to their feet and roared, "Hail Ceaser! Long may he reign."

The compulsion charms and cheering continued every few days until they were no longer needed as everyone jumped and hailed Dumbledore without prompting first thing in the morning. Psychological conditioning and group psychology were wonderful things. 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer; This is probably the final chapter, then again, it may not be.

* * *

Halloween neared and Dumbledore announced that a costume ball would be held in Great hall. The inner circle of the Freak Parade decided that this would be a fine day join in the fun. Instead of costumes, the six adults dressed in their best dress robes and everyone but Harry removed their glamours and/or voice changing spells. They went to the party together and Dumbledore accosted Harry almost immediately.

"Harry, this is a costume party, you need a costume."

"I have a costume and these five are part of it."

"Ok, I really don't get it, what are you?"

"I'm a necromancer of course, and these are my Inferi. I'm sure you recognize Mrs. Lovegood, the Potters, and my friends the Marauders."

"Harry, I really don't think this is an appropriate costume. It is very insensitive to your parent's friends among the staff and public. Not to mention I don't believe Remus Lupin to be dead. And including a likeness of Ms. Lovegood's mother is appalling. Surely you don't wish to traumatize her?"

"You mean Luna? No, she thought it was a great idea. And if the rest of these people can't see past a costume, they can go hang. We're here to have fun and be ourselves. You know the veil between the living and the dead is thinnest on this night."

For the most part, Harry's costume was a great success. There were a few problems, mainly when James, Sirius, and Remus tag-teamed Moody with private moments only they would know. The poor man nearly had to be carried from the hall when he pulled his wand and started screaming about ghosts and mind readers. McGonagall gave him a misty eyed smile when he explained his costume and complimented his charms work to make his friends appear older. The others snickered.

Hermione approached him not long after she left, "Harry, who are your friends? I'll admit it is an… interesting costume choice, but who did you find to play the parts? I don't see many of our friends missing aside from Luna."

"Oh, I recruited them from the Freak Parade for tonight."

"You brought the people who kidnapped you into a school full of children?"

"Yes, and sometimes if I was good, they chained me to the bed. Oh and she has this whip…"

His mother slapped him, "Hey, we really don't need to know some things young man."

"Harry, have you ever heard of something called Stockholm syndrome?" Dumbledore asked as he joined them.

"No, what is it?"

"It is when a kidnap victim or hostage begins to sympathize with his captors and may even begin to agree with them. It is a serious mental illness."

"Oh, no I don't think that is a problem here, there are entirely different reasons I love this group of nutjobs." Everyone but Luna looked mildly offended at being called nutjobs.

"Love? Oh Harry can't you see? They are trying to distract you from Voldemort and the war!" Hermione pleaded.

"It's sad that you and Voldemort are so similar. You both had hard childhoods and now you've fallen in with the wrong crowd. Don't worry my boy, I won't give up on you." Dumbledore looked sad as he said this, but a bright spark lit in Harry's eyes.

"That's it! I remember now, Voldemort and I have one other thing in common. Oh thank you professor, you may have just helped me win this war." He turned to the others, "We've got to get to work practicing our team work, I want to attack him soon, this has gone on too long."

"Meet you back at headquarters then so you can explain?" James asked.

"Go on, I'll say good-bye here and meet up in a few minutes."

Luna drew her portal in the air and the rest filed through. She gave Harry a quick kiss before she left.

"Harry I am afraid I cannot allow you to leave school grounds. Especially not to meet with a secret group like the Freak Parade."

"I would really like to see you try to hold me. I am not a child anymore Mr. Dumbledore. I am an adult capable of making my own decisions. Right now, my family is waiting for me."

"Family, no Harry, you have no family. This is all my fault, maybe if we had found out about Sirius' innocence earlier or if he had lived you wouldn't have wound up with them. But they are not your family Harry, you need to remember that."

"You are right. This is all your fault. They have given me everything I have ever wanted in life, everything that you denied me. Sirius and Remus should have raised me, but instead you overrode my parent's wishes. You tore my family from me, and they gave it back."

"The blood protections…"

"Were all a lie. It wasn't my mother's love that saved me that night Dumbledore. It never was. How many mothers died for their children? And how many children lived? No, I know exactly what saved me from the killing curse that night. It has saved me from several other deaths since. Between that force and the thrice damned prophecy, I've lived through things that would kill you a hundred times over." Dumbledore hung his head in shame.

"Harry, I know you are upset about Sirius' death and Remus' disappearance, but that's no reason to blame the Headmaster."

"No Hermione, I am not upset at all. I was angry and sad for a long time, but I know that they are both with my parent's now and I will be joining them very soon, no matter what this meddling old man has to say otherwise."

"Oh Harry, I won't let you. I won't let you die! You're going to live through the war, and have kids for us to spoil rotten. You know Mrs. Weasley is looking forward to grandkids."

"I don't plan to die either Hermione, but I don't know about giving Mrs. Weasley grandkids. I think that's the job of her kids. Maybe if you and Ron ever get around to admitting it you can give her some. Besides, Luna's already told me two kids is the limit."

"But I always thought you and Ginny might get together."

"That was Ginny's dream not mine. You and her were the sisters I didn't know I had for past five years of your lives. No, I've been taken by a blond haired goddess for almost fifteen years and I am still hopelessly smitten."

"But we never knew Luna until last year."

"Indeed, and then one kiss outside Gringotts in June changed my world. We danced and we didn't care who saw even though we were both horrible back then. The war will be over soon, one way or the other and I can stop pretending."

"Pretending what?"

"It's weird being here in Hogwarts Hermione. It's like ghosts from a past that never died. It's bizarre to eat breakfast with you and Ron again. Everyone is the same but me. When Voldemort is dead, I think I will leave too."

"You don't plan to do something stupid do you?"

"No, I am not talking about suicide. I wouldn't do that. I'm just going to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'll come back to teach."

"I still don't get it."

"Tell you what, you and your family are invited to visit at Christmas. The war will be over by then. I'll be inviting the Weasley's too. For once all my family will be together and able to acknowledge each other." He drew a portal in the air and left without hearing her response.

* * *

The next day Harry stepped out of thin air into Dumbledore's office.

"Ah, Harry my boy, good to see you."

"Albus, we need to have a talk."

"That's a very familiar form of address."

"So was yours, but that's not what we need to speak about."

"Alright, so Mr. Potter would you please inform me of your whereabouts and actions last night?"

"No I don't think I will. Mr. Dumbledore, the war with Voldemort is about to end. I am not one hundred percent certain who will win but he and I will be meeting face to face within the month. I will not stop until I am dead or he is defeated. What I am here to speak with you about is what you intend to do then."

"You are not ready yet Harry. You still have much to learn."

"Yes, Albus, I am."

"Back to that are we Mr. Potter?"

"Indeed. Now, when the war with Voldemort is over what will become of the illegal vigilante group the Order of the Phoenix?"

"We will remain active for a time to ensure that his followers are rounded up and brought to justice. Additionally regardless of your personal feelings, this other group must be investigated."

"You should leave that to the professionals, the Aurors, Hit-wizards, and the Ministry. It is funny that you have never asked what they were about."

"You can't just ask people these things. They wouldn't tell us if they were the next Dark Lord in waiting."

"Strange, I asked you once what the Order's purpose was and you told me. But you don't extend that reasoning elsewhere. Very well then, I shall tell you. The Freak Parade is a group of people who seek to extend their talents in a safe manner. Predominantly they are people who are actively against Voldemort and the Death Eaters but who refuse to work with the ministry or yourself. They see both options as manipulative and corrupt. A very few are truly neutral and just want to live in peace. We are a community of shared resources and inter-reliance. Instead of your way of setting up a few impenetrable strongholds like Grimmauld place and Hogwarts, while leaving the rest of your members exposed, or telling people there is no problem like the ministry, we pooled all of our knowledge of wards and security to prepare something that most people can use that is sufficient. One doesn't have to be a master to use our system, nor do they need to be the most powerful wizard of the age. They are normal people with better defenses around their homes than either the order or the death eaters."

"But they won't share that information outside their group. They are clearly hiding something and we must know what it is."

"Of course we are hiding something. We are hiding a lot of things. If our standard security package was known to the death eaters or yourself it would not be nearly as secure. As it is, all members are under secrecy charms to prevent the details from getting out. They also are equipped with shields resistant to the most common attack spells, and attack spells specifically designed to ignore the most common shields. We hide everything because we do not trust those who have not sworn to keep our secrets."

"If they are such nice people, why did they kidnap you?"

"Because I was stuck in a hell hole where you placed me! If you really must know, I saw the death eaters coming and left before they could find me. The others defeated them and offered me what I always wanted."

"But your relatives were tortured into insanity, we know none of the death eater's wands did it."

"And the others had very good reasons for doing it. In time my aunt and uncle may recover, but it's better than they deserve. At least it wasn't the cruciartus that drove them mad, so there is hope."

"What could possibly be justification for that?"

"It's very simple Dumbledore. There is a spell, that when cast lets you feel the effects of your treatment on the caster. It is a very rare spell, created just for me. When I cast that spell, they received exactly what they gave to me. They received fourteen years of abuse and starvation, physical, mental, emotional… They only experienced what I already had. I wonder, truly I do, what would happen if I cast it on you. How many secrets have you lied to me about, did you know about what the Dursleys were like and leave me there? Were you a silent partner in the abuse? Could your mind handle the consequences of your actions? We're not going to find out because I really don't want to know. I don't want to know how deep the treachery really runs."

Dumbledore withered but tried to look stern, "Harry, spells that manipulate the mind and emotions like that are classified as Dark. You shouldn't be experimenting with the Dark Arts."

"Shove it Albus. If I were to cast that same spell on Ron, I know he'd feel a slight twinge over some of our stupider arguments, but on the whole he would feel the love and friendship he has given me. It only returns what you already gave. Two people who never met would merely see the spell fizzle. This spell isn't classified as dark because it isn't known to the ministry. It was created for me, and has only been used three times. It's clear you really are just a manipulative old man." Harry rose and stalked out of the office. As he reached the door he turned. "In case you hadn't guessed old man, I've made my choice. I work for them now and you won't be in control over so much as what tea I enjoy at breakfast anymore."

* * *

The story broke a few days later on the front page of both the Prophet and the Quibbler.

**Supreme Mugwump Brainwashing Our Children! **

**By Rita Skeeter **

_Just last week, this intrepid reporter made a visit to interview Professor Fletcher about his teaching methods, when she discovered something far bigger afoot. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Wizarding world, something mighty strange is going on in that castle. At breakfast, the students jump to their feet singing the praises of the Headmaster as he makes his way to his place. _

_When asked about this unusual occurrence, a student who wished to remain anonymous had this to say, "Well why shouldn't we? He's a great man, the most powerful wizard of the age, and he defeated Grindewald and stuff. And he's the Headmaster, maybe we should all show him the respect he deserves." Upon further investigation it was revealed that this is a fairly recent innovation to Hogwarts life. "Well at first only some of the students stood to hail him, but over time the rest of us didn't want to be oddballs. Nobody likes to be the odd man out." _

_One student who wasn't afraid to speak out, Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived, had this to say about how it all started, "Well when everyone came down one morning there were compulsion charms on all the doorways. I've studied occlumancy so I know the effects of a compulsion charm when I feel it. Some of the students looked jumpy that first morning before the Headmaster arrived. Now I am not going to accuse anyone of casting those charms, but the results speak for themselves. The charms weren't there everyday, and never two days in a row, but after awhile when everyone was doing it anyway, they stopped." _

_"It's no secret around the castle that Dumbledore is obsessed with the war. He leads the Order of the _ _Phoenix__, a vigilante group. He has been almost rabid about this new group that just wants to stay independent, The Freak Parade. He's spoken to me harshly on several occasions decrying their goals and telling me I should help his group. If you ask around, I think you'll find that most people want nothing to do with this war, and I think it is a good thing that The Freak Parade is helping people stay safe." _

_Is Dumbledore brainwashing his students and using the school as a recruiting ground for his private army? There were numerous allegations last year concerning a group called Dumbledore's Army operating in secret at the school. If Dumbledore is responsible for these things, we at the Prophet find such an abuse of power deplorable. _

* * *

Members of the Freak Parade received a letter inviting them all to the first ever full group meeting, completely optional of course, at Hogwarts grounds. It was billed as a celebration, though of what wasn't listed.

* * *

"So everyone knows their jobs right?" Harry asked looking around. "Sirius, you summon his wands, be sure to use the plural just in case he has more than one. Then summon his wand holsters. I know some of those are enchanted so that you can't summon a wand out of them so we need to get them too. Mum, Luna, it's your job to bind him. Use ropes, chains, handcuffs, body bind, whatever you've got but keep hitting him. I want him under so many layers I have trouble seeing his feet. Remus, Dad, you're with me. We need to hit him with every thing we've got. Don't try to kill him, it won't work but we need him stunned, unconscious, asleep, in a coma, everything. We're talking Voldemort here, a simple stupefy is just going to piss him off."

"But how are we going to find him Harry? You told us two weeks ago that we were making a frontal assault but never how we were getting there. We know our jobs and have worked out which spells we are using so much that it's just going to be a solid stream of magic for the first minute or two." Lily pointed out from her spot on the couch where the group was waiting for Harry's signal that it was time to leave.

"That's the nice part. Many years ago, back when Luna and I had just met, we went shopping together. We were hoping to find a way to get out from under Dumbledore's thumb and exploring each other. We went into a store to buy these very same trunks. When we bought them, they were part of a kit. Because of the convenience I ask if they sold many. He told me the last one was sold to Tom Marvolo Riddle back in the forties."

"So, what does that have to do with anything?" James asked.

Harry wrote the name and made the letters dance. Looks of comprehension broke onto their faces. "We're going to floo into his trunk, which hopefully is somewhere in his headquarters and then attack while everyone is sleeping. Thanks to my scar and a bit of legimancy I know he is awake right now so we are going to wait him out."

An hour later and it was time to go. They flooed into the trunk and prepared themselves for whatever was about to happen. Harry was going to open the trunk and look around (since he could only be killed by Voldemort) when he stopped and turned to the others. "Just incase this all goes pear shaped, I just want you all to know I love you. Even you Sirius." Similar words were exchanged all around and Harry peeked out the lid.

He quickly shut it. "Oh I cannot be this lucky."

"What's that dear?"

"We're actually in his bedroom Luna! I could hear him snoring."

They all stealthily exited the trunk and stood round the bed looking at each other and the sleeping figure of their mortal enemy. Harry raised three fingers and slowly dropped them one by one. The air flew thick with magic for a few minutes before they decided it was safe to stop and see if he was still moving. They looked at him for a few moments, and one of his eyelids twitched. The hexing immediately began anew. Eventually it was over.

"Hey Harry, since we're here and all, Padfoot and I need to make a trip."

"What for Moony?"

"Wormtail."

"Good luck, but get the hell out of here if any sort of alarm gets raised. We can't afford to loose you now."

"Don't worry, we aren't going to die on you yet."

Harry drew a portal to the chamber of secrets and the others lugged the bound Dark Lord through. Moony and Padfoot joined them fifteen minutes later with a rat in an unbreakable jar.

* * *

Nearly a hundred brightly colored figures gathered on the lawn in front of Hogwarts that morning. Lily had gone through and assured them all that the party would start as soon as the press and ministry arrived. The rest stayed in the Chamber blasting the Dark Lord every ten minutes. It had been a long night.

Eventually Aurors and members of the press did arrive and the message was sent. Harry and the others arrived, Dark Lord in tow immediately thereafter. Harry stepped forward and lowered his hood so everyone knew who he was.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... And the Dark Lord will mark him as equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives."

"It ends today. I have Him right here, bound and defenseless. I want everyone to know I am not doing this for the ministry. I am not doing this for the Order of the Phoenix or Albus Dumbledore. I am doing this for you, the people who just want to live their lives without having to fight. The gentle honest people. I am doing this for me and my family. For all those who have suffered or died." With that he pulled a long curved knife, one he had carved from the fang of Slytherin's basilisk, and plunged it through the cords and into Voldemort's neck. He left it there and approached the Aurors. He held out the jar containing Wormtail.

"This illegal animagus has some information you will find very useful. Ask him about what happened at the Potter house all those years ago, about Sirius Black, the murder of Peter Pettigrew, and the resurrection of Voldemort. Remember, veritaserum is your friend. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go say goodbye to some people." Harry walked off towards the castle.

* * *

Breakfast was just ending when Harry walked into the Great Hall, and he attracted quite a few stares for his unusual dress this morning. He walked over to the Slytherin table and found Sirius. "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm leaving. I'm taking your mother on a vacation, but we'll be back for Christmas. Now that Voldemort is dead, I expect you to show the rest of this snake pit what cunning and subtlety can do. Make Slytherin a House to be proud of. Be good, but don't be afraid to take the professors down a notch."

As he walked over to the Ravenclaw table there were whispers. "Hey Remus, like I told your brother, I'm out of here. Your mum and I are headed out. See you at Christmas and study hard." He walked over to the Gryffindor table and gave his sisters a hug before looking at Hermione. "See you at Christmas and take care of my sisters would you?"

"Sisters? Wait, where are you going?"

Harry walked to the doors of the great hall and looked at the Headmaster before nonchalantly dropping the bomb of the century on them. "Luna and I are withdrawing. Voldemort is dead on the walkway leading up here and I need a vacation. See you all around."

* * *

There was in fact a celebration going on when Harry got back to the front lawn. It seems the Aurors still couldn't remove Voldemort's body because everyone in the crowd wanted their chance to kick it first, or just make sure it really was him. He approached Luna.

"So, those snorkacks you used to talk about, they were in Sweden right?"

"No, it's too cold for them there now. They move to the Caribbean this time of year."

"The Caribbean sounds nice, lets go find some."

* * *

A few days before Christmas, everyone who was invited was mailed a portkey. Harry waited in his rented room above the Leaky Cauldron for his guests to arrive. Hermione and her parents arrived first. The elder Potters and the kids came next. After clearing the room a bit, nine Weasleys arrived just before Mr. Lovegood.

"Alright good to see everyone again. For those wondering, no this isn't your final stop, but I don't trust people. Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust the people you are around everyday. We'll move on in just a few moments after I get rid of all these tracking spells you seem to be carrying," He set to work. Everyone had at least one, but his sisters had four each, including one on the bottom of their shoes most people wouldn't look for. "I'm guessing Hermione couldn't contain her curiosity and asked about you being my sisters eh? Hermione, you should have learned after the debacle with the DA not to discuss sensitive things in public. Alright everybody, move through the glowing circle." He drew a portal in the air.

* * *

They emerged onto the snowy ground before a modest looking home. "Welcome everyone to Godric's Hollow. We had it rebuilt after everything died down, you've all already been keyed into the wards temporarily so that you can see it." He levitated all the trunks. "Alright kids, you know where your rooms are, put your trunks away and hurry back down, we need to give everyone proper introductions. Mum, Dad, drop the glamours, we're all friends here and Luna is waiting for us with drinks."

With the exception of the elder Grangers and Solaris Lovegood, everyone was shocked when James and Lily Potter were revealed to be the Defense and Potions professors. The Grangers didn't know them from Adam, and Solaris had been in on the whole thing for years. Everyone hurried inside to escape the cold and pepper Harry with questions.

Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were waiting in the sitting room with Luna. The kids came back down and everyone found a seat, Luna's was on Harry's lap. "Welcome to my home, and into the longest running prank in history. As everyone knows, I am Harry Potter, and this beauty is Luna Potter. My parents, James and Lily Potter are by the fire with my sisters Daisy and Iris Potter. Sirius Black is that miscreant with my son Sirius, and Remus Lupin is with my other son who shares his name. With the exception of myself and Luna, all the adults here are supposedly dead. That's our story and we're sticking to it. Now for the shocker of the evening, as if the dead walking among us and me being a father wasn't shocking enough." He dropped the glamours on himself and Luna.

"Blimey mate, you're old!" Ron showed his typical tact as he was the first to break the silence.

"I am not!" Luna huffed.

"Not you Luna, he was talking about Harry." Ginny helped her brother.

"I'm not either. I prefer distinguished, or perhaps mature."

"No, he's got you dad, you're old." Sirius teased.

"Harry, how is this possible?" Hermione asked.

"Well the kids happened in the usual way, the growing up took a while and I'm not sure if I've got the hang of it yet. My sisters I assume happened in the usual way too, but I prefer not to ask about things happening in my parent's bedroom."

Mrs. Weasley finally snapped out of it, "Oooo! Grandbabies!" and she charged Sirius and Remus. Her arms were opened wide to sweep them into a hug. Their godfathers tried to protect them, but they were no match for the redheaded matriarch. Lily decided wisely to avoid joining the fray, but James wasn't so smart.

"Molly, I believe those are MY grandkids."

"And mine!" Chipped in Mr. Lovegood.

"Oh you poor foolish men," Ginny sighed.

The children were released but the hugging and crying continued on the new victims.

"Harry's been like one of my own ever since his first year," She said, "Poor thing all alone on the platform. Now he's all grown up and there's grandkids to spoil."

"Back to that for a moment. How is it that you've grown up Harry? How are your parent's alive? What about Sirius?" Hermione was never one to let a question go unanswered.

"Personally I blame it all on Ron. The short answer is that they were never dead in the first place."

"Oi! How is it my fault?"

"And the long answer?"

"I may have gone back in time and saved everybody."

"But they found your parent's bodies." Mr. Weasley pointed out.

"And those were two of the most loyal T-bone steaks I have ever met; they even came to see me in the Graveyard when I faced Voldemort. I pulled a little slight of hand. Everyone expected to find two dead Potters and they did."

"What about Luna's mum? Couldn't you have saved her?" Half the room gave Ron a death glare for asking such a stupid and insensitive question.

"No, I was there when she died, and I saw her go. She was working on creating a new spell and her wand backfired. There was no time when we could have made the switch." Luna said. "Didn't you ever think it odd that I could always see thestrals but Harry couldn't? Supposedly his mother had died before his eyes too, he had nightmares about it and heard it happen when dementors came, but never saw the thestrals until after Cedric Diggory died."

"But how is it all my fault?" Ron asked.

"Well aside from asking the questions everyone wants to know but can't ask and appear polite, you had a priceless magical artifact but sold it for a pittance. I thank you for that by the way. Your thickheaded-ness led to the happiest fifteen years of my life. I got to meet my parents, married Luna, saved my family and started one of my own. I just wish you had told me. I'd have given you a thousand galleons for it, not the fifty you received." Harry pulled the time turner from a pocket.

"Blimey, I really did get ripped off didn't I?" He received a silencing spell and a glare from all the females present. Mrs. Granger settled for slapping the back of his head.

"So Harry, we all know you killed the Dark Lord, but what about the Prophecy, the 'power the dark lord knew not'?"

"Do you ever run out of questions?" Padfoot asked.

"Nope she doesn't. That would be my friends and family. Voldemort never understood that you were stronger if you had people who genuinely love and care for you. I didn't capture him alone, I couldn't have, I had a lot of help."

A bell chimed. "Oh, sounds like the food is done. We can ask more embarrassing and unintentionally hurtful questions after dinner. You boys make sure you wash your hands before coming to the dinner table." Harry and the twins obediently left towards the nearest bathroom.

When he returned Hermione slapped him. "You utter prat! All this year we've been trying to console you about Sirius' death and Remus' disappearance. You never corrected us; you just smiled and said they were with your parents now!"

"At the time they were!"

"And I suppose that was really them at the costume party?"

"Of course. And they were the ones who kidnapped me over the summer?"

"Then why all this fuss about a freak parade?"

"Can you think of any better way to describe this family? I'm as old as my parents, my sons and my sisters are a few months apart, and Padfoot and Moony are godfathers. Plus, Luna wanted minions."

"Are you coming back to Hogwarts?"

"I've got two masteries, DADA and Arithmancy. Luna has one in Charms. Why would we return to Hogwarts to learn what we already know? Besides we completed the Hogwarts circuit, which was the real challenge of the semester."

"Oh, I forgot you were older for a minute. So did you created all the spells in the little black books?"

"Thanks, I like to pretend I aged gracefully. I created a good number of them, Luna created some, as did my folks. With the exception of Luna, we've all taught at Hogwarts at least once. I am Professor Harold Taggart in case you haven't guessed."

* * *

Christmas was calm and enjoyed by all, though Hermione never stopped asking questions. Luna retaliated by enchanting an empty collar to follow Hermione around then announcing that one of her snorkacks liked her. It was quite humorous to watch Hermione squeal and run away.

* * *

As time passed, the Freak Parade grew in popularity for a variety of reasons. It seems a lot of people had the capabilities to make their own spells, or even had a few family secrets, but wouldn't share them for fear of having them turned against them. A second version of the little black books came out that was self updating and allowed people to submit new spells protected by the same oaths not to use them to harm others and not to share them.

Within ten years seventy five percent of the magical innovations stayed within the Freak community. Store owners in the group began offering discounts to other members. Purple and green became popular fashion. Slytherin became known as the party House.

Ok, we were lying about the last one.

When Luna turned thirty five officially (rather than her personal timeline), there was a vote of no confidence in the Wizengamot. She was elected Minister of Magic in a landslide victory. It was the cleanest political coup in history, all made possible because she coerced young Mr. Potter to the Purple side.


End file.
